She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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