My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
