I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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