We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
