Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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