My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
