His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
