well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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