you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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