Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
