you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
