No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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