Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
