He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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