that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
