The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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