no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
