y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
