I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.