God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??