Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..