I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
