I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize