is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
