i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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