this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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