I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
