Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
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It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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