So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
