I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's like heaven, but drunker
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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