Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My vagina is officially offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Let's get the cat blown out
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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