if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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