The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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