still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
