Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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