Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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