New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
