that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
