you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
