We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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