I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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