I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
be right there i have to get my cape
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
