The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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