sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
