Can Purell be used as lube?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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