Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We are all done wearing pants today
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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