There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
