there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
