If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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