i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
