Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
When are your genitals available?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
