Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
