I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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