I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
