I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
