Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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