finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
