You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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