she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is it because I queefed?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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