you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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