I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
