I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
